Apr 24, 2011

Where was I When this Happened?

So, I look happy in this picture right? (yeah, I know poor Liv looks more like she's in pain hehe) Today is Easter-this picture was taken this morning after a wonderful church service and breakfast with family.  If one could only know how much pain is behind my smile. I've always been known for having a smile on my face, but don't let it fool you, because it doesn't always mean I'm happy. I think this is why some people feel as if they can be insensitive towards me, say hurtful things, etc. Many associate a smile with strength-not so much with me though. In the picture you see, there is a lot of pain behind that smile-more than I can even begin to describe. If  you have read my previous post, then you're already aware that my father passed away on 04/07 (he took his own life). It scares the hell out of me that my father had the ability to commit such a callous act just a few hours after I spoke with him on the phone. I admit, I suffer from depression and anxiety and had a conversation with him about this earlier in the week. I also admit that I'm going through the "anger phase," of the grief process, because he had to realize what this was going to do to me. I've lost over 10 lbs in less than a month. I can't eat, sleep, it's interfering with my work, housekeeping, parenting, etc. I've had days where I have literally not been able to get out of bed.  I found the following quote in a quote book of mine: "To be angry with a weak man is proof that you are not very strong yourself." This totally resonates with me and has made me realize that dad has not caused me to do any of the things I'm doing-I just blame h im because I too, am weak.  It seems everytime I (almost literally) pick myself back up from the floor something else happens.
Here's where I finally get to a point (I think, maybe): I called my mom the day before yesterday just to check on her and didn't get an answer, which is odd. I called her again yesterday and this is when she informed me that she had just had my father's celebration of life and his brothers came in from Nashville to spread his ashes. She described to me how "beautiful," the whole ceremony was. To make matters worse, she left me a voice message today providing me with more details and said it was "exactly the way dad would have wanted it." There's one thing missing here....where was I when this happened and why didn't she tell me about it?  (just to throw this in, there are people actually angry at me for not being there to see his cold dead body with a hole in his chest.) She made the excuse that she tried to call me, but I checked my voice mail twice for good measure and there was no mention of a celebration of life.  Is this really how my father would have wanted it? So, am I still angry? Yes. Am I still weak? Absolutely. Am I going to give up? Absolutely NOT. However, I do believe in KARMA, and it is a BITCH. To all of you whom defied me, went behind my back, listened to my mom's bullshit and lies while I'm here grieving over my father's death, F-You and kiss my ass!!! By the way, if you can even get into the door to get in my mom's house before the stench knocks you over, we'll talk. And seriously, if you have a problem with me message me and I will be more than happy to give you my number. The truth will come out-it always does. And again, if you had any part in going behind my back and spreading my father's ashes without my being there, may God have mercy on your soul, because when you did this, you took a part of mine.

~KBN

6 comments:

April said...

This brought tears to my eyes
I has no clue that is how your dad died and sorry with having to deal with that and others making it even harder on you
I will continue to pray for you and that every day you get stronger with every step you take and ever day that passes.

Bizarro Novarro said...

Thanks April-the prayers are greatly appreciated!!!

Stephanie said...

Wow, Kelly. That's all I can say, wow. I am so very sorry that you're having to deal with this. I'm praying for you, Olivia, and Anthony.

Just Julie said...

Kelly you are so much stronger than you realize. I am so sorry that you are having to go through all this. Even though this is a very sad time for you, there will be joy soon. I'm praying for healing and peace for you. Love ya girl!

Fleur 99 said...

Kelly you are a strong and wonderful human - Your Dad loves you .. I have no words Kelly -I only can say - it hurts me so much to read this
Sandra

Anonymous said...

After reading this, I had to tell some people who may read this blog a few things they need to know. Especially the people who have called and written Kelly to give her a hard time about her mama. After her daddy died, Kelly all but begged her mama to come and stay with her and spend time with her and Olivia. Her mama refused. I know this is true because I heard her make the call. Kelly's mama told her she wanted her to take care of all the arrangements for her daddy, including the "life celebration". Kelly & Anthony were going to pay for all of the expenses (I've seen the agreement they signed from the funeral home) but at the last minute her mama decided to pay and take charge of the arrangements. A couple of days after her daddy died, Kelly & Anthony called her mama and asked if they could come to her house to visit and if she needed groceries or anything else. She told them not to come because she was leaving. Kelly has even told her if she doesn't want to stay in her present home, she would help her find a condo near her. Does that sound like a daughter that doesn't care about her mama. As of this date, her mama has made no effort to see Kelly and Olivia. In the days before her daddy's ashes were spread, Kelly's mama didn't mention her plans and only told her about it after the fact. Kelly tried to call her mama the night before but her mama didn't answer the phone. Any of you who actually knew Kelly's daddy at all, know that he loved Kelly more than anything. He would be very hurt by the way she has been treated since his death. Now for why Kelly & her mama & daddy were not getting along. The only thing Kelly ever asked them to do was clean up their home. She did not feel it was a safe place to take her daughter. I challenge any of you to go there for a visit and see if you can get in. If you do get in, come back to this blog and let everyone know what you think. Remember, God knows what you are really thinking, so be honest. Kelly even told them she would meet them at the park or anywhere they wanted to meet to spend time together, but they wouldn't do it. I just had to write this because it's about time some of you heard a little bit of the the truth.