Where was I When this Happened?

So, I look happy in this picture right? (yeah, I know poor Liv looks more like she's in pain hehe) Today is Easter-this picture was taken this morning after a wonderful church service and breakfast with family.  If one could only know how much pain is behind my smile. I've always been known for having a smile on my face, but don't let it fool you, because it doesn't always mean I'm happy. I think this is why some people feel as if they can be insensitive towards me, say hurtful things, etc. Many associate a smile with strength-not so much with me though. In the picture you see, there is a lot of pain behind that smile-more than I can even begin to describe. If  you have read my previous post, then you're already aware that my father passed away on 04/07 (he took his own life). It scares the hell out of me that my father had the ability to commit such a callous act just a few hours after I spoke with him on the phone. I admit, I suffer from depression and anxiety and had a conversation with him about this earlier in the week. I also admit that I'm going through the "anger phase," of the grief process, because he had to realize what this was going to do to me. I've lost over 10 lbs in less than a month. I can't eat, sleep, it's interfering with my work, housekeeping, parenting, etc. I've had days where I have literally not been able to get out of bed.  I found the following quote in a quote book of mine: "To be angry with a weak man is proof that you are not very strong yourself." This totally resonates with me and has made me realize that dad has not caused me to do any of the things I'm doing-I just blame h im because I too, am weak.  It seems everytime I (almost literally) pick myself back up from the floor something else happens.

Here's where I finally get to a point (I think, maybe): I called my mom the day before yesterday just to check on her and didn't get an answer, which is odd. I called her again yesterday and this is when she informed me that she had just had my father's celebration of life and his brothers came in from Nashville to spread his ashes. She described to me how "beautiful," the whole ceremony was. To make matters worse, she left me a voice message today providing me with more details and said it was "exactly the way dad would have wanted it." There's one thing missing here....where was I when this happened and why didn't she tell me about it?  (just to throw this in, there are people actually angry at me for not being there to see his cold dead body with a hole in his chest.) She made the excuse that she tried to call me, but I checked my voice mail twice for good measure and there was no mention of a celebration of life.  Is this really how my father would have wanted it? So, am I still angry? Yes. Am I still weak? Absolutely. Am I going to give up? Absolutely NOT. However, I do believe in KARMA, and it is a BITCH. To all of you whom defied me, went behind my back, listened to my mom's bullshit and lies while I'm here grieving over my father's death, F-You and kiss my ass!!! By the way, if you can even get into the door to get in my mom's house before the stench knocks you over, we'll talk. And seriously, if you have a problem with me message me and I will be more than happy to give you my number. The truth will come out-it always does. And again, if you had any part in going behind my back and spreading my father's ashes without my being there, may God have mercy on your soul, because when you did this, you took a part of mine.

~KBN