Apr 11, 2011


Wow! I'm just going to get right to the point...I never imagined in a million years that I would lose my father. Well, I mean I knew it would happened at some point, but just not this soon. For some reason, it just seems as if things have been on downhill slope since December when I turned 30. It's so crazy, b/c I was so excited about planning by big 80's bash and the very next day things just changed-I really can't explain it.  I will admit that my dad and I were estranged for over a year and to this day I hate myself for not manning or "womanning," up and making amends with him. Back to the whole turning 30 thing...for some reason I began having some major anxiety attacks to the point I was throwing up before I had to leave for work (I've had anxiety attacks since I was 17, but never to this extent). My husband finally convinced to see a doctor and get a physical to make sure I didn't have some underlying medical issue and it turned out that I did in fact have some BAD lab results. I had to go for further testing, which was the scariest thing I've ever faced in my life. All I could think about was what would Liv do if something happened to me. Fortunately, thanks to prayers from many others and my own prayers (which I went for so long w/o doing), everything turned out fine. At the time, I found myself asking God "Why me?!?!" And I felt compelled to contact my father who I had not spoken to in quite some time. We continued to talk and communicate via FB, phone, and email, which I'm so thankful for. It's just a shame that it took a health scare for me to contact him, but now that's neither here nor there. Thursday, April 7, changed my life forever. It was a beautiful day so I was working outside doing paperwork (I'm blessed to be able to work from home). I had just recently found out that my boss who was also one  of my best friends was moving and she needed someone to take her pet turtle whom she raised from a baby. I had received a text from Ant that he wanted to take her turtle. The first person I thought of was dad, because God love that man, he rescued a baby turtle and nurtured it back to health. I tried calling him three times before I finally got in touch with him. The conversation started out about the turtle, but quickly turned into a heart to heart. It was 1:01 PM when I finally got in touch with him and we talked for 54 min and some odd seconds. I then got Liv ready for a photo shoot at the World's Fair Amphitheater and we had a wonderful time. However, when I got home I received the worst call of my life. I learned that my dad had passed away. I'm just so grateful that the last words we shared was "I love you." OK, so this is where it gets really tough...Friday I woke up and I was STRONG! I made the necessary phone calls and even managed to remain somewhat calm when I contacted the UT forensics department to find out if they had  yet received my father's body-they had. In fact, his autopsy was complete. I then contacted the funeral home I had chosen for him (Farrar's in Jefferson City-they rock by the way). They told me that they were going to pick up his body (I really hate using the word "body,") in a couple of hours and that the next of kin would need to meet there to complete paperwork. I'm technically not the next of kin, but I told them that I knew my mom just couldn't deal with it as she was the one who found him. This is where I'm finally getting to a point-as I was sitting in the room where many have sat before me, I look over at my husband who is crying and I reach to get a tissue from the tissue box, which I quickly realized was empty. This really made me think of how many had sat in that same chair I was sitting in having to make the toughest decisions ever and it made me realize how short life is and that we can never ever take anyone for granted. I missed a lot of time with my dad and I truly wish that he could have at least spent one last time with Liv. Like I said, there are many more details that I just can't share, but the point of this post is to tell your loved ones that you love them, even if you're angry with them because they might not be here tomorrow.  To all who is reading this, I could really use your prayers as tomorrow, I have to go pick up his ashes. I seriously don't want to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself or asking for sympathy-if I can just reach out to one person who is depressed, I want to make a difference. I have plans in store to carry on my father's legacy. Namaste!


Anonymous said...

Many hugs and prayers are going out for you tomorrow, Kel.

Blair Claiborne Baldwin said...


I am not sure if you know but my family owns a cemetery in Jeff County and I see burials everyday. I stay so caught up with paper work that I am not stopping to let the emotions sink in of what each family member is going through. Recently I have had a friend pass away who was buried here at Resthaven and two friends (you included) who have surprisingly lost a parent. I try and prepare myself daily for a sudden loss of one of my parents. I hope that I can hold myself like you have. Your blog is very touching and gets your message out.

thanks and sending love your way,