Where was I When this Happened?

So, I look happy in this picture right? (yeah, I know poor Liv looks more like she's in pain hehe) Today is Easter-this picture was taken this morning after a wonderful church service and breakfast with family.  If one could only know how much pain is behind my smile. I've always been known for having a smile on my face, but don't let it fool you, because it doesn't always mean I'm happy. I think this is why some people feel as if they can be insensitive towards me, say hurtful things, etc. Many associate a smile with strength-not so much with me though. In the picture you see, there is a lot of pain behind that smile-more than I can even begin to describe. If  you have read my previous post, then you're already aware that my father passed away on 04/07 (he took his own life). It scares the hell out of me that my father had the ability to commit such a callous act just a few hours after I spoke with him on the phone. I admit, I suffer from depression and anxiety and had a conversation with him about this earlier in the week. I also admit that I'm going through the "anger phase," of the grief process, because he had to realize what this was going to do to me. I've lost over 10 lbs in less than a month. I can't eat, sleep, it's interfering with my work, housekeeping, parenting, etc. I've had days where I have literally not been able to get out of bed.  I found the following quote in a quote book of mine: "To be angry with a weak man is proof that you are not very strong yourself." This totally resonates with me and has made me realize that dad has not caused me to do any of the things I'm doing-I just blame h im because I too, am weak.  It seems everytime I (almost literally) pick myself back up from the floor something else happens.

Here's where I finally get to a point (I think, maybe): I called my mom the day before yesterday just to check on her and didn't get an answer, which is odd. I called her again yesterday and this is when she informed me that she had just had my father's celebration of life and his brothers came in from Nashville to spread his ashes. She described to me how "beautiful," the whole ceremony was. To make matters worse, she left me a voice message today providing me with more details and said it was "exactly the way dad would have wanted it." There's one thing missing here....where was I when this happened and why didn't she tell me about it?  (just to throw this in, there are people actually angry at me for not being there to see his cold dead body with a hole in his chest.) She made the excuse that she tried to call me, but I checked my voice mail twice for good measure and there was no mention of a celebration of life.  Is this really how my father would have wanted it? So, am I still angry? Yes. Am I still weak? Absolutely. Am I going to give up? Absolutely NOT. However, I do believe in KARMA, and it is a BITCH. To all of you whom defied me, went behind my back, listened to my mom's bullshit and lies while I'm here grieving over my father's death, F-You and kiss my ass!!! By the way, if you can even get into the door to get in my mom's house before the stench knocks you over, we'll talk. And seriously, if you have a problem with me message me and I will be more than happy to give you my number. The truth will come out-it always does. And again, if you had any part in going behind my back and spreading my father's ashes without my being there, may God have mercy on your soul, because when you did this, you took a part of mine.

~KBN

Life...

Wow! I'm just going to get right to the point...I never imagined in a million years that I would lose my father. Well, I mean I knew it would happened at some point, but just not this soon. For some reason, it just seems as if things have been on downhill slope since December when I turned 30. It's so crazy, b/c I was so excited about planning by big 80's bash and the very next day things just changed-I really can't explain it.  I will admit that my dad and I were estranged for over a year and to this day I hate myself for not manning or "womanning," up and making amends with him. Back to the whole turning 30 thing...for some reason I began having some major anxiety attacks to the point I was throwing up before I had to leave for work (I've had anxiety attacks since I was 17, but never to this extent). My husband finally convinced to see a doctor and get a physical to make sure I didn't have some underlying medical issue and it turned out that I did in fact have some BAD lab results. I had to go for further testing, which was the scariest thing I've ever faced in my life. All I could think about was what would Liv do if something happened to me. Fortunately, thanks to prayers from many others and my own prayers (which I went for so long w/o doing), everything turned out fine. At the time, I found myself asking God "Why me?!?!" And I felt compelled to contact my father who I had not spoken to in quite some time. We continued to talk and communicate via FB, phone, and email, which I'm so thankful for. It's just a shame that it took a health scare for me to contact him, but now that's neither here nor there. Thursday, April 7, changed my life forever. It was a beautiful day so I was working outside doing paperwork (I'm blessed to be able to work from home). I had just recently found out that my boss who was also one  of my best friends was moving and she needed someone to take her pet turtle whom she raised from a baby. I had received a text from Ant that he wanted to take her turtle. The first person I thought of was dad, because God love that man, he rescued a baby turtle and nurtured it back to health. I tried calling him three times before I finally got in touch with him. The conversation started out about the turtle, but quickly turned into a heart to heart. It was 1:01 PM when I finally got in touch with him and we talked for 54 min and some odd seconds. I then got Liv ready for a photo shoot at the World's Fair Amphitheater and we had a wonderful time. However, when I got home I received the worst call of my life. I learned that my dad had passed away. I'm just so grateful that the last words we shared was "I love you." OK, so this is where it gets really tough...Friday I woke up and I was STRONG! I made the necessary phone calls and even managed to remain somewhat calm when I contacted the UT forensics department to find out if they had  yet received my father's body-they had. In fact, his autopsy was complete. I then contacted the funeral home I had chosen for him (Farrar's in Jefferson City-they rock by the way). They told me that they were going to pick up his body (I really hate using the word "body,") in a couple of hours and that the next of kin would need to meet there to complete paperwork. I'm technically not the next of kin, but I told them that I knew my mom just couldn't deal with it as she was the one who found him. This is where I'm finally getting to a point-as I was sitting in the room where many have sat before me, I look over at my husband who is crying and I reach to get a tissue from the tissue box, which I quickly realized was empty. This really made me think of how many had sat in that same chair I was sitting in having to make the toughest decisions ever and it made me realize how short life is and that we can never ever take anyone for granted. I missed a lot of time with my dad and I truly wish that he could have at least spent one last time with Liv. Like I said, there are many more details that I just can't share, but the point of this post is to tell your loved ones that you love them, even if you're angry with them because they might not be here tomorrow.  To all who is reading this, I could really use your prayers as tomorrow, I have to go pick up his ashes. I seriously don't want to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself or asking for sympathy-if I can just reach out to one person who is depressed, I want to make a difference. I have plans in store to carry on my father's legacy. Namaste!

Bring a Friend to Dance Day