Out of the Darkness

So, today I participated in the Out of the Darkness walk in memory of my father and all others who have been affected in some way by suicide. I went expecting to walk alone, but was almost immediately approached by a woman who saw that I was alone and she walked with me. She had recently lost her cousin to suicide, and then she introduced me to another woman who had lost her father to suicide. I went alone and came out with what I hope will become a local support group. I have tons of support from across the country, but it always helps to have someone nearby as well. Following the walk, there was a candlelight vigil (unfortunately, the candles were quick burning and burnt our hands). Nonetheless, it was touching. There was also touching music by a great local band called Blue Mother Tupelo. At the very end we all recited the following poem by Sandy Martin, titled, Lifekeeper Promise

Someone we love did not keep their life.
In pain and anguish, they ended their strife.

In this lifetime on earth, we'll  see them no more
Yet, we carry them always in our soul, in our core.

Now we're left here and we must stay.
We have life to live in the fullest each day.

For we are the LifeKeepers, Truth Bearers, Peace Seekers
We are the wounded
We are the healed
We are the LifeKeepers-our commitment now sealed.
-Sandy Martin

It was very healing to finally be around others who have dealt with the same pain. There was a mix of emotions-smiles, laughs, anger & most of all, lots of tears. The most touching thing I witnessed was a group of firefighters who had lost a fellow firefighter to suicide. Enough with words, I'm going to share some photos from today's event.

My green ribbon symbolizing the loss of a father to suicide.

<3

Fleeing Facebook...

So, the first step to recovery is admitting the problem, right? Well, I recently realized I had a Facebook problem. I found myself checking it on my phone every morning when I woke up, before I went to bed, and everywhere in between. I also found myself updating my status like every 5 minutes and posting pictures of pointless things just because. FB was consuming my life, and I knew it was time to take a break and go on a FB hiatus. During that time I was able to step outside and look in and clearly see that nobody cared about what I was eating for dinner, where I was at every minute of the day (plus, that was just an invitation for stalkers), etc. During my hiatus I have been reading more, spending more quality time with family, sleeping better, yada...yada...yada. I'm not completely kicking FB to the curb, but I'm only allowing myself to check it twice a day, MAX, and I promise to only take pictures of fascinating things such as aliens, celebrities, and other oddities.:)
-KBN

92 Truths

So, I stole this from my much younger second cousin on FB, but I need to write here goes:



WHAT WAS YOUR:



1. last beverage = Diet Coke


2. last phone call =Ant


3. Last text message = Amy


4. last song you listened to = "Best of You," by the Foo Fighters


5. last time you cried = two or three days ago (I'm not a big crier)






HAVE YOU EVER:



6. dated someone twice = yes



7. been cheated on =yes



8. kissed someone & regretted it = yes


9. lost someone special = Yes



10. been depressed = Yes



11. been drunk and threw up =yes


LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS: (In order)



12. pink


13. Tiffany blue

14. cornflower blue






LAST YEAR (2010), YOU:



15. Made a new friend, who? = I made many new friends thanks to Zumba- Brooke & Jeffrey just to name a few


16. Fallen out of love = yes



17. Laughed until you cried = Yes



18. Met someone who changed you = absolutely



19. Found out who your true friends were = most definitely



20. Found out someone was talking about you = um, like always...


21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend's list = Yes



GENERAL:



22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = most of them believe it or not


24. Do you have any pets = yes, a shih-tzu & a turtle



25. Do you want to change your name?= yes, actually, I want to change my middle name from Diane to Jane



26. What did you do for your last birthday = I had a huge 80's bash for the big 3-0-it was spectacular!


27. What time did you wake up today = 9:15 am



28. What were you doing at midnight last night = billing


29. Name something you CANNOT wait for =to sell our house so we can buy a new one!


30. Last time you saw your mother = 04/08/11


31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = a lot of things starting with a healthier diet.





MY LIFE AS WE SPEAK



32. What are you listening to right now = Liv's watching Rugrats on Netflix so that's what I'm listenting to (yay).



33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? = yes



34. What's getting on your nerves right now = the fact that my husband just started the dishwasher and I was getting ready to hop in the shower.


37. Nickname = Pink (well, at least it was in college)



38. Relationship Status = married



39. Zodiac sign = Sagittarius



40. He or She = huh? he or she did what?;) (she)



41. Elementary School = Piedmont


42. Middle School = Maury


43. High School =Jefferson County


44. Hair color = dark brown


45. Tall or short = short-ish


46. Height = 5'3"



47. Do you have a crush on someone? = Bruce Willis



48. What do you like about yourself? = that I make it to the gym at least 3 times per week, and I can finally do the tripod headstand in yoga.


49. Piercings? = ears and nose


50. Tattoos = just got my 5th one a couple of weeks ago.


51. Righty or lefty= Righty







FIRSTS:



52. First surgery = wisdom teeth extraction


53. First piercing = Ears



54. First best friend = Jennifer Chambers

55. First sport you joined = karate


56. First vacation = myrtle beach


58. First pair of trainers = im sorry what? (what my cousin said)







RIGHT NOW:



59. Eating = nothing.


60. Drinking = nothing


61. I'm about to = well, I was about to hop in the shower until the hubster started the dishwasher (see above)


62. Listening to = still the tv



63. Waiting for = the dishwasher to stop running! (see above)


64. Want kids? = got one



65. Get Married? = again?


66. Career? = Social Work


WHICH IS BETTER :



67. Lips or eyes = eyes



68. Hugs or kisses = hugs


69. Shorter or taller = indifferent


70. Older or Younger = Older



71. Romantic or spontaneous = spontaneous


72. Nice stomach or nice arms = stomach



73. Sensitive or loud = Sensitive



75. Trouble maker or hesitant = both










HAVE YOU EVER:



76. Kissed a stranger = yes (Spring break Panama City 2001)



77. Drank hard liquor = Yes



78. Lost glasses/contacts = lost sunglasses



79. Cried over a Girlfriend = yes



80. Broke someone's heart = yes


81. Had your own heart broken? = yes, but most of them later regretted it;)


82. Been arrested? = No



83. Turned someone down = Yes



84. Cried when someone died = yes



85. Fallen for a friend = Yes







DO YOU BELIEVE IN:



86. Yourself = depends on the day


87. Miracles = yes



88. Love at first sight = no, but I believe in lust at first sight



90. Santa Claus = no


91. Kiss on the first date = sure






92. Angels = yes



I can't believe I'm 30 and just completed this...I need ideas people!

30 Day Song Challenge Day 12:

A song by a band I hate (I think my friend AMC chose this one as well-I remember us having a convo on how dumb some of the lyrics are)-Nickelback's "Photograph."

30 Day Song Challenge...

Day 11-A song by my favorite band: Aerosmith's, "Cryin."

30 Day Song Challenge...

A song that makes me fall asleep-Sarah McLachlan's  "U Want Me 2." This is on my ipod's lullaby mix:

30 Day Song Challenge-Day 9

A song that I can dance to-Jennifer Lopez featuring Pitbull "On the Floor." I love to dance to this at zumba class.:)

30 Day Song Challenge Day 8

A song I know all of the words to-"Last Tears," by the Indigo Girls (I always sang this to Liv when she was a baby):

30 Day Song Challenge-Day 7

A song that reminds me of a certain event:

Mariah Carey & Whitney Houston's "When you Believe." My best friend Amber and I sang this @ our HS graduation in 1999. Go JCHS Patriots!:)

30 Day Song Challenge-Day 6

A song that reminds me of somewhere (spring break 2001 Panama City):

30 Day Song Challenge Day 5

A song that reminds me of someone (this is a tough one as almost every song reminds me of one person or another so I'm just going to pick what first comes to mind):

30 Day Song Challenge-A song that makes me sad...

Aaliyah's "The One I Gave My Heart To.":

30 Day Song Challenge-Day 3

A that makes me happy-Bob Marley's "3 Little Birds."

30 Day Song Challenge-Day 2

Day 2-My least fave song (for some reason I just find this song so annoying):

Remembering Ronnie

Check out the memorial site I created for my dad: Remembering Ronnie

30 DAY SONG CHALLENGE

I stole this idea from a friend-here are the rules:


day 01 - your favorite song


day 02 - your least favorite song


day 03 - a song that makes you happy


day 04 - a song that makes you sad


day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone


day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere


day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event


day 08 - a song that you know all the words to


day 09 - a song that you can dance to


day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep


day 11 - a song from your favorite band


day 12 - a song from a band you hate


day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure


day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love


day 15 - a song that describes you


day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate


day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio


day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio


day 19 - a song from your favorite album


day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry


day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy


day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad


day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding


day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral


day 25 - a song that makes you laugh


day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument


day 27 - a song that you wish you could play


day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty


day 29 - a song from your childhood


day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

Day 1-My fave song:

Words...

Words have so much meaning, even if we don't realize it right away-this is one of the last emails I received from my dad before he took his own life:

Kelly,




You don’t know how good that makes me feel…I also want to apologize for anything that I have done…you know that I love you so much and have missed you so much…I have so much that I would like to talk to you about and share with you….I just hope that we can get back to the way we once were….I love you so much and I think you know that….it is time for all this to be over and be Father and Daughter again…please send me a friend request on FB..there is so much of my research I have done that I would love for you to see and talk to you about …



I love you so much,



Dad

Never Lose Hope...

                                                   

Putting a Face on Suicide


day three - Tribute Pages

Ronnie Barnes - Age 58

Every 15 minutes someone dies by suicide in the United States, that’s 96 or so people each day; those are the statistics. These are their faces …Tribute to My Dad

By: Putting a Face on Suicide

Where was I When this Happened?

So, I look happy in this picture right? (yeah, I know poor Liv looks more like she's in pain hehe) Today is Easter-this picture was taken this morning after a wonderful church service and breakfast with family.  If one could only know how much pain is behind my smile. I've always been known for having a smile on my face, but don't let it fool you, because it doesn't always mean I'm happy. I think this is why some people feel as if they can be insensitive towards me, say hurtful things, etc. Many associate a smile with strength-not so much with me though. In the picture you see, there is a lot of pain behind that smile-more than I can even begin to describe. If  you have read my previous post, then you're already aware that my father passed away on 04/07 (he took his own life). It scares the hell out of me that my father had the ability to commit such a callous act just a few hours after I spoke with him on the phone. I admit, I suffer from depression and anxiety and had a conversation with him about this earlier in the week. I also admit that I'm going through the "anger phase," of the grief process, because he had to realize what this was going to do to me. I've lost over 10 lbs in less than a month. I can't eat, sleep, it's interfering with my work, housekeeping, parenting, etc. I've had days where I have literally not been able to get out of bed.  I found the following quote in a quote book of mine: "To be angry with a weak man is proof that you are not very strong yourself." This totally resonates with me and has made me realize that dad has not caused me to do any of the things I'm doing-I just blame h im because I too, am weak.  It seems everytime I (almost literally) pick myself back up from the floor something else happens.

Here's where I finally get to a point (I think, maybe): I called my mom the day before yesterday just to check on her and didn't get an answer, which is odd. I called her again yesterday and this is when she informed me that she had just had my father's celebration of life and his brothers came in from Nashville to spread his ashes. She described to me how "beautiful," the whole ceremony was. To make matters worse, she left me a voice message today providing me with more details and said it was "exactly the way dad would have wanted it." There's one thing missing here....where was I when this happened and why didn't she tell me about it?  (just to throw this in, there are people actually angry at me for not being there to see his cold dead body with a hole in his chest.) She made the excuse that she tried to call me, but I checked my voice mail twice for good measure and there was no mention of a celebration of life.  Is this really how my father would have wanted it? So, am I still angry? Yes. Am I still weak? Absolutely. Am I going to give up? Absolutely NOT. However, I do believe in KARMA, and it is a BITCH. To all of you whom defied me, went behind my back, listened to my mom's bullshit and lies while I'm here grieving over my father's death, F-You and kiss my ass!!! By the way, if you can even get into the door to get in my mom's house before the stench knocks you over, we'll talk. And seriously, if you have a problem with me message me and I will be more than happy to give you my number. The truth will come out-it always does. And again, if you had any part in going behind my back and spreading my father's ashes without my being there, may God have mercy on your soul, because when you did this, you took a part of mine.

~KBN

Life...

Wow! I'm just going to get right to the point...I never imagined in a million years that I would lose my father. Well, I mean I knew it would happened at some point, but just not this soon. For some reason, it just seems as if things have been on downhill slope since December when I turned 30. It's so crazy, b/c I was so excited about planning by big 80's bash and the very next day things just changed-I really can't explain it.  I will admit that my dad and I were estranged for over a year and to this day I hate myself for not manning or "womanning," up and making amends with him. Back to the whole turning 30 thing...for some reason I began having some major anxiety attacks to the point I was throwing up before I had to leave for work (I've had anxiety attacks since I was 17, but never to this extent). My husband finally convinced to see a doctor and get a physical to make sure I didn't have some underlying medical issue and it turned out that I did in fact have some BAD lab results. I had to go for further testing, which was the scariest thing I've ever faced in my life. All I could think about was what would Liv do if something happened to me. Fortunately, thanks to prayers from many others and my own prayers (which I went for so long w/o doing), everything turned out fine. At the time, I found myself asking God "Why me?!?!" And I felt compelled to contact my father who I had not spoken to in quite some time. We continued to talk and communicate via FB, phone, and email, which I'm so thankful for. It's just a shame that it took a health scare for me to contact him, but now that's neither here nor there. Thursday, April 7, changed my life forever. It was a beautiful day so I was working outside doing paperwork (I'm blessed to be able to work from home). I had just recently found out that my boss who was also one  of my best friends was moving and she needed someone to take her pet turtle whom she raised from a baby. I had received a text from Ant that he wanted to take her turtle. The first person I thought of was dad, because God love that man, he rescued a baby turtle and nurtured it back to health. I tried calling him three times before I finally got in touch with him. The conversation started out about the turtle, but quickly turned into a heart to heart. It was 1:01 PM when I finally got in touch with him and we talked for 54 min and some odd seconds. I then got Liv ready for a photo shoot at the World's Fair Amphitheater and we had a wonderful time. However, when I got home I received the worst call of my life. I learned that my dad had passed away. I'm just so grateful that the last words we shared was "I love you." OK, so this is where it gets really tough...Friday I woke up and I was STRONG! I made the necessary phone calls and even managed to remain somewhat calm when I contacted the UT forensics department to find out if they had  yet received my father's body-they had. In fact, his autopsy was complete. I then contacted the funeral home I had chosen for him (Farrar's in Jefferson City-they rock by the way). They told me that they were going to pick up his body (I really hate using the word "body,") in a couple of hours and that the next of kin would need to meet there to complete paperwork. I'm technically not the next of kin, but I told them that I knew my mom just couldn't deal with it as she was the one who found him. This is where I'm finally getting to a point-as I was sitting in the room where many have sat before me, I look over at my husband who is crying and I reach to get a tissue from the tissue box, which I quickly realized was empty. This really made me think of how many had sat in that same chair I was sitting in having to make the toughest decisions ever and it made me realize how short life is and that we can never ever take anyone for granted. I missed a lot of time with my dad and I truly wish that he could have at least spent one last time with Liv. Like I said, there are many more details that I just can't share, but the point of this post is to tell your loved ones that you love them, even if you're angry with them because they might not be here tomorrow.  To all who is reading this, I could really use your prayers as tomorrow, I have to go pick up his ashes. I seriously don't want to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself or asking for sympathy-if I can just reach out to one person who is depressed, I want to make a difference. I have plans in store to carry on my father's legacy. Namaste!